2.3 Indian Pow-d-er

You don’t come out from India unscathed. You must have learned something.

I can say that I created a small environment around Rajasthan, Pushkar and Rishikesh. I learned from my mistakes, learned from the choices that others pushed me to do. I listened to them because they had more experiences. Not me. I played the card of security. Next time, I’ll play my own card, including risk, improvisation and doubts which I have played so often, and everything went well. Madness is appreciable when it stays smart. I have mistaken but afterwards, I already have plenty of ideas of what to do, where, and why.

I had a love-and-hate relationship with India at first. How to love her people, to ignore things that are not in my culture? How to be myself without getting into trouble or too much attention? How to find a compromise to adapt well, thoroughly in respect and in my search for the everything and the nothing ...? These questions were always in my head. I wanted to sleep all the time to return into my world, I was less courageous sometimes to come outside, to face the noise, to face these looks and being part of these millions of details that tire the unconsciousness, all these people who constantly collar you ...

For all the misunderstandings in which a lot of Indians have fallen into, I do not have the right to pretend that the boys of my generation are all frustrated not to find the perfect girl like in the movies. I also made a lot of mistakes in my behavior. Guys I met keep a real respect for women. But in the end I could not stand anymore in front of those contradictories and speeches from guys who say something and do the opposite. Is it me or some have been brainwashed by Bollywood during their teenage days?

I had a strong will and I knew what I had to do while many tried to convince to stay or something else. It's your will, not mine. So, I go in the opposite direction.

(full power)

The retreat gave me power, incredible strength, equanimity.

When I turned my phone on again, I was weighed down under Ketan's comments and messages. He even wrote a whole story about what we lived together in Rishikesh and it scared me so much I did not recognize myself in front of all these delusional superlatives. So, I called him and I told him clearly and frankly that he had to accept that he had fallen in love with me. It does not look nice like that, but it was worse to convince himself that I was just 'his best friend'. Ketan did not want to suffer again since his last and only breakup ...

India has given me greater confidence, which varies in intensity for sure, but remains there, deep within me. I'm happy to live the moment, at least I am happy at the end of the day. There is always a little nothing that make up everything. It's neither insurmountable nor pleasant to spend hours waiting for a bus, walking under the rain, driving even if you cannot feel your buttocks, waiting for the person in front of me finishing to tell off. It does not last. Everything is impermanent, everything ends sooner or later ... Life too.

Gouroutisations

2

3

India has awakened fears, vibrations, contradictions and arouse things I did not like in me. Now it’s fixed. India made me strong, much more transparent towards the people abusing of kindness. After the bike adventure, I said "thank you but I'm doing very well alone" to all people blocking my way, go against advices and ideas from hundreds, cute guys who wanted I-do-not-know-what, weird invitations.

I say respectfully Namaste, look gently in the eyes of the salesman who asks me to enter to his shop, go on, start again, follow my will and flow.

The feeling of having won, to have understood a little more India, its history, its culture, to stop getting angry against people (even more against horns !!!) because I know that there is a very complicated reason behind each of their clumsy intention ...

I buy a tea for the woman called 'untouchable' by the system, sitting on the cold stone in front of the teashop, a coke or a chapati for this guy who has been following me for 10min, I talk for a long time with people where I buy some material or little souvenirs and I smile at an old turbaned Hindu who is beautiful, I definitely spend a lot of time in teashops by on the street. I like that, simple life full of humanity.

I understand where this inexhaustible source of knowledge, happiness and positivism can come from. It never stops. I'm in the flow, I know how to speak properly, I have the proper words not to harm no one nor to become sick in front of some miseries of the world. Power is there, and in front of it, you have to stay strong so that you can, someday, do something, a drop in the ocean, but transmit positivity to someone. What they really are. Tell a bag seller: “man, I just paid half of your daily rent”, and he tells you an hour later, "After you left, other customers came!". Meet this guy, randomly, called Smile. And every moment, every meeting is no longer a coincidence. Because I do not expect anything from anyone, I do not expect anything from society, I live the moment, savor it if it is necessary or simply live it.

I booked the trains tickets to Varanasi before the retreat. I was no longer going south, so why not make a hook (compulsory regarding a small voice in my head) to this more-than-holy city in Uttar Pradesh.

I'm waiting for a train that is eight hours late, but it's okay! There is so much to do in eight hours. Call people, sleep on a bench and ignore the Indians who are watching your angel smile.

Then I spend 24 hours lying down, dozing, watching a green landscape, re-doze. Sleeper-class trains offer you a more comfortable position than sitting, but that does not make you sleep well. Again, no big deal for me...

I am so isolated inside my bubble of happiness and hindsight on the things in the life which do not provide much except worries. All that can stop me, I pass through with a child’s ease. A few hours before arriving, around one o'clock in the morning, I get my head straight ... Finally on da place, a guy kindly helps me find a bed in my budget, for a few hours. So nice. The streets are not seedy but apparently not so sure, empty, dark ... Still tired, I collapse in the bed of this silent room, although I spent 24 hours lying down.

The next day, I take the risk to leave my bag to a momo-man along a Ghat. We'll see if I'll find it later, but my instinct says yes, so I follow it.

I'm walking quietly, with my flow. I am wowed ... These colors my god, these colors! Everything I do, each and every minute, I enjoy it, I like the environment. I feel the place as if I had already been there. I have a kind of remembering in this tuktuk when I get the smell of the city at 1am…maybe in my past life, I was working in chemical industry in this area ... Who knows?

I am struck by the strength of Varanasi, the divine presence along the Ghats. I meet people, talk to them if they can speak in English ... I feel so good ...

A conclusion that ends in harmony with my approach of the country, in this city where everything is much dirtier, darker, more consumed but paradoxically, where the respect, life and love have never been so present. Inert bodies, dressed in the traditional way with flowers await their cremation on the Ghat; children play kite (in underpants), people sleep everywhere, dry their personal laundry or others’ for a living... There is so much to say, to describe, but I have no more words in front of the purity and beauty of every second I live in this place.

I talk a long time with Ravi under a heavy sun, walk slowly, hands on my back like an old woman who enjoys her retirement; end up on a boat in the middle of a funeral, breath the evening smell on another boat with Ravi and a beautiful rower, proceed to a cultural purification on the other side of the Ganges, attend a magnificent Puja, still chat with the momo-man who cook very good veg-momos ... When it's time to take a sleeper class train that is still 6 hours late, I sit in a front of a closed shop to discuss about unnecessary things with Ravi since anyway, he knows, I know, there is nothing more to say. I accept that it is still too early to leave, but I will come back ...

Nap no1

Nap no2

Look... and think

Gisèle! Redescends!

How is a cow perspective?

Don't eat that man...

So I realized it was the end of my stay in India. I will miss its good and especially its bad sides... I stay afraid to return in Europe and to become overwhelm, this time, under the superficial daily life that does not interest me. But I remain free, free to go wherever I want, to change if nothing goes well.

Small conclusion

I'm sad to leave, now that I understood the codes of conduct, custom, the Indian expressions and their uses, what their smile or their look hides... If I had stayed, I would have followed the Ganges, finished in Calcutta or even Darjeeling.

Everything is enigmatic, but everything is interesting and extremely exciting to watch, to explore. I took many risks (on my security, on the material I carry) to finally realize –commonsense– that the Indians are people like the others and that yes, we can trust them. They know where to send you to eat so that your fragile stomach does not turn around, they speak to you from human to human, language involved or not, they smile at you like nobody else can do. They are sensible and talk a lot about a nice philosophy of life. They drink millions of teas like professional, with the little 'slurp' in pace while they read the local newspaper.

They take their time, and live the moment, good or bad.

Even though my feelings have become a little more normal than after the Vipassana immediate reaction, I go on this path of life philosophy: not to pay much attention to useless trifles, to detach myself from the material and to reduce my possessions and have less to think about, to live this moment that sometimes, with each new country I go in, put me straight back to the beginning. Everything is ok, everything goes, everything is arranged and impermanent. There are always those people with whom an evening relieves you because he or she knows the same thing as you. Simplicity. Love.

Without meditation, I understand that it is difficult to maintain happiness, the ups and downs are more laborious to balance ... But controlling everything can be scary, so I let it flow sometimes.

I will go back to India alone again, not necessarily to the south where the beaches attract the world, anywhere anyway.

I love you !

See you soon.

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